Confessions of this Gal's Sinful Heart

For years I’ve been wrestling with such pain, rejection and emotional abuse at the hands of certain people in my life.  It has been very difficult separating myself from it and walking away.  There is so much at stake leaving them behind and results in hurting innocent people in the process.  A tremendous amount of bitterness, rage, anger and unforgiveness has built up within me.  As a victim I’m absolutely entitled to feel this way.  They wronged me, they abuse me, they reject and hurt me continually.  I have every right to feel this way.  And I’ve finally make the choice to walk away even though it hurts people who don’t deserve it.  But even with that, I still feel the hatred that has been clinging to my soul.  I want to be released from these sour, twisted emotions that take hold of my heart on a continual basis.  I want to finally be free of rehearsing scenarios of how, when, and what I will say or do to one day get a even....

M y best friend tells me that I am growing in my walk with the Lord all the time.  She encourages me whenever I feel like I've blown it she says, "Well that showed progress."  And perhaps she's right ,but I don't always feel that way myself.  Most of the time I feel like I was only just inches, just moments away from blowing it... In particular there was an incident this weekend in which I came really close to blowing it.  I've mentioned in the past that I'm Italian so it should come as no shock and surprise that I have a temper.  But I'm also a mamma, which mean when you mess with my kid, you get the protective mamma bear and the Italian temper in one big explosive package... On Sunday we attended a birthday party at a local kid's museum.  After the party the children were allowed to enjoy the museum on their own.  My daughter took off with her friends and I sat down with the rest of the parents for a little quiet time and conversation.  ...

Recently my ego was deeply wounded  by way of the ugly mouthed neighbor.  Yes he's struck again, this time verbally attacking me with a barrage of "fat" insults.  I've mentioned him in the past in Confession #37 .  This is a man who has proven himself to be an instrument of Satan's many times over. But sadly today's post is not about this man; not really.  Unfortunately, it's about me.  It's a confession I feel compelled to make one of which results in many apologies.  The problem is my mouth, well, actually my heart.   "For out of the fullness (the overflow, the superabundance) of the heart the mouth speaks" Matthew 12:34.  Because my ego was seriously wounded, anger and hatred rose up; a decision I freely made because we all know that I didn't have to entertain those feelings.  As a result I justified my foul mouthed words and evil thoughts.  What's worse is that I was almost became unaware that I was doing so until my frie...

"I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore!"   Those are some pretty strong words hun?  Actually I'm quoting a line from a 70's movie, "Network".  In the movie a news anchor basically goes insane on camera and screams relentlessly, "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm not Going to Take it Anymore!"  Well this has been my life as of late.  In a previous post, The Bank Debacle (to read more click on the link) , I wrote about the rage I took out on the branch manager of our bank and how my anger got the best of me.  I was hoping that my anger was under control but after a few weeks have passed, I realized that just isn't so.  Let me explain: I've had a pretty rough go of things over the last few months.  I'd go into detail but it would take too much time.  Suffice it to say that there's a long list of issues one right after another that have plagued our family over this time.  Nothing horrifically t...

The Bank Debacle, sounds like a title to a Nancy Drew mystery, doesn't it?  But it truly was a debacle.  One of my most "dirtiest" moments as of late.  Oh yes, when the bible says, "... anger resides in the lap of fools."   (Ecc 7:9) it's not kidding because I made an utter and complete fool out of myself because of anger.  Long story short, because of a few bounced checks (for which there was a reasonable explanation) the bank's computer placed a hold on all our deposits but failed to notify us.  I only found out because my mortgage check bounced.  In my conversation with the bank on the phone, I didn't feel as if there was any resolution, so I sent my husband to work it out with the branch manager.  My husband called me at work to explain to me the resolution, but that was not to my satisfaction so I requested that he put me on the phone with the manager.  Sensing my level of anger, the manager,  refused to sp...

A s the saying goes, "Forgive and Forget"  That's what God does with our sin right?  The bible says, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." Isa 43:25   The Lord is forgiving of our sins as we are to be forgiving of others.  But does that mean that we should not remember it any longer?  I can tell you that I have struggled with this.  Tossed and turned many nights over it.  Like everyone, I've had some difficult people in my life and difficult situations to forgive.  And I can say that God has worked forgiveness in my heart toward those who have wronged me, but the pain I have not forgotten.  My conclusion is, that the Lord wants me to remember.  The memory of pain reminds me to forgive.  For example when a parent instructs their child to stay away from a lit candle, but the child ignores the instruction and touches the flame anyway. The pain reminds the child not ...