Confessions of this Gal's Sinful Heart

I'm in a spiritual war.  I suppose we all are.  Mine began before an age of awareness, pulling me, twisting me until I nearly succumbed.  Actually at times I have allowed this evil force to overtake me and it has cost me so much, but I know in my heart if it we'rent for God I would have been swallowed whole.  In my eyes it is the truest evil there is, it's called Narcissism.   According to psychologytoday.com "clinical" Narcissism encompasses a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status.  Narcissists usually  have a complete lack of empathy where others are concerned and only pursue their own interests, wants, and desires even at the cost of other's happiness. Why does this condition plague me so ferociously?  Because it's a personality disorder that runs in my family.  Since I was a child, I've been exposed to it's ugliness....

In a previous post - Confession #8 to be exact - I mentioned that I'm a huge Disney fan.  I couldn't possibly pick a favorite movie, but I happen to be quite fond of Cars.  My favorite, like so many of us is Tow-Mater.  It's not his charm and humor that resonate with me but it's the fact that Mater loves all of his dents and flaws.  Each one holds an important memory to him.  He is proud of them.  Oh how I would love to embrace all my flaws and be happy to have them; every last wobbly-bit of my flawed body, heart, and soul.  Not too long ago a friend of mine who has been encouraging me to eat healthier, said something to me about loosing weight that put my self esteem out of whack.  It actually depressed me.  So I had this long conversation with God about it and then I opened my bible with the intention of thumbing through it until I found where I felt God was leading me, but the very page I landed on this verse was highlighted....

I f I had to describe my high school experience in three words I would say that it was: Confusing - trying to figure out who I was and where I was going without God in my life. Depressing - Realizing that I couldn't be everything everyone else expected me to be. Alone - Lot's of acquaintances but no true friends.  My Before  Here's a picture of me from my sophomore year.  When I asked my husband what he saw in my picture his reply was an attractive and confident girl.  I may have had people fooled because of course I knew what was going on inside my heart that most people couldn't see.  I call this picture my "before".  I not only looked different but I was completely different.  When I see this picture I see a scared, shy, and lonely girl who lacked the knowledge of God.  She spent her days trying to people please and getting pretty much nowhere.  By my senior year, I was failing many of my subjects, I had to forfeit my p...