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Confession # 78 - Love is not a feeling


For years I’ve been wrestling with such pain, rejection and emotional abuse at the hands of certain people in my life.  It has been very difficult separating myself from it and walking away.  There is so much at stake leaving them behind and results in hurting innocent people in the process.  A tremendous amount of bitterness, rage, anger and unforgiveness has built up within me.  As a victim I’m absolutely entitled to feel this way.  They wronged me, they abuse me, they reject and hurt me continually.  I have every right to feel this way.  And I’ve finally make the choice to walk away even though it hurts people who don’t deserve it. 

But even with that, I still feel the hatred that has been clinging to my soul.  I want to be released from these sour, twisted emotions that take hold of my heart on a continual basis.  I want to finally be free of rehearsing scenarios of how, when, and what I will say or do to one day get a even.  Recently I even lashed out towards one of them when I couldn’t take it any longer.  But that didn’t make it any better.  Sure, it felt good for a few hours, maybe a day, but then it just felt empty, sad, and completely opposite of what I really want; peace.

Peace is only possible with forgiveness.  Honestly, I don’t even think I know how.  This morning I found myself going to that dark place in my mind again thinking of what I will do when…. Then coming to the realization that this is the pits, and it’s not me.  I can’t continually be living with this ugly sinful hatred.  I must forgive, so I turned to my precious Heavenly Father in prayer.  In my journal I wrote:

“Father, I am struggling so badly with bitterness, anger & unforgiveness.  It’s like a warm blanket at times that I can’t let go of because while it feels comfortable it’s choking the life out of me.  But at the same time, I don’t know to forgive and let it go while still protecting myself from habitual emotional abuse.  Lord how do I forgive and still walk away when that’s the opposite of what seems normal?  I can’t keep going back into the abusive situation, allowing them to hurt me repeatedly, teaching my child that’s what you do.  But I do need to forgive and release myself from this bitterness and anger.  How do I love without feelings, without attendance and involvement?  How do I separate from the only “family” I’ve ever known?  Please Lord help me with this.  Give me strength to do what must be done, for my sake and the sake of those that I love.  I want to let it go.”

Sometimes the Lord answers me with scripture and other times He just speaks to my heart.  Today is was a voice I heard in my heart.  A voice reminding me of what real love is.  It said:

“Joanne, Love holds no boundaries.  Love allows for abuse shame, betrayal and rejection.  Love accepts others for who they are, and their flaws.  And Love covers their sins.  Love does not take it personally.  Love does not accuse.  Love willingly takes kisses from Judas, goes into the lion’s den to be devoured, and Love enters the fiery furnace.  Sin bruises, hurts and causes deep scars, but Love continually heals.
Jesus is pure Love.  He showed us Love and taught us Love on the cross.  He loved those who spat on Him.  He loved those who beat and whipped Him.  He loved those who rejected Him.  He loved those who mocked Him.  He loved the men that drove nails into his flesh.  He loved those that pressed thorns into his scalp.  He loved the men that lifted the bitter vinegar for Him to drink when He cried out for water.  All the while He ask the Father to forgive them. Jesus took it all and even died to give them a chance at eternal life. 
Love defies all logic.  It is contrary to natural thought and feeling.  It is incomprehensible to man but entirely possible through God.  Love is a choice and an action.  With Love, one does not turn one’s back and walk away.  You must learn to love them through the pain.  You must love despite the hurt.  And your Holy Father in Heaven will heal your heart, and your mind through Christ Jesus who sacrificed Himself for your sin.”
And then the Lord gave me this verse:

“See, I will defend your cause and avenge you.”  Jeremiah 51:36 

It isn’t my job to defend myself against the attacks.  It’s the Lord’s.  My job is to Love.  Not the feeling Love, the action Love.  Not turning my back, not speaking my mind, not getting even, but giving them the other cheek, being present and teaching Jesus.  Love brings sinners to the cross.  Love brings them Jesus Christ.  Love sets everyone free.


Dear Heavenly Father, teach me to Love and I know forgiveness will come with it. Teach me to turn the other cheek, teach me to bring my pain to the cross and leave it there because Jesus said, “It is finished.” For that was the end of pain and suffering. Teach me to be at peace and to Love these people beyond feeling, beyond natural understanding and beyond comprehension. Let my example eventually lead them to Christ. And Lord for my sisters-in-Christ struggling to forgive and to Love I pray the same.  I ask this in Jesus’ precious name. AMEN
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