Confessions of this Gal's Sinful Heart

For years I’ve been wrestling with such pain, rejection and emotional abuse at the hands of certain people in my life.  It has been very difficult separating myself from it and walking away.  There is so much at stake leaving them behind and results in hurting innocent people in the process.  A tremendous amount of bitterness, rage, anger and unforgiveness has built up within me.  As a victim I’m absolutely entitled to feel this way.  They wronged me, they abuse me, they reject and hurt me continually.  I have every right to feel this way.  And I’ve finally make the choice to walk away even though it hurts people who don’t deserve it.  But even with that, I still feel the hatred that has been clinging to my soul.  I want to be released from these sour, twisted emotions that take hold of my heart on a continual basis.  I want to finally be free of rehearsing scenarios of how, when, and what I will say or do to one day get a even....

Before I met my husband, I was such a different person.  I was so staunch and proper and I didn't realize I had a fun side and never could I laugh at myself.  Basically, I was so afraid of how people saw me that I kept myself in a box.  I didn't allow my personality to flourish and take shape.  I spend the first 20 years of my life trying to please everyone instead of just being myself.  I couldn't let my hair down and God forbid allow anyone see how broken and messy I really was. That began to change when I met Vincent Cuchel.  Vince was the most down to earth person I had ever been with.  He could make me laugh at things I'd never let anyone think I found funny.  He gave me the courage to let down my guard and see who I could really be.  That's when I realized I was in love and 24 plus years later, I still am. One of the most important things I've learned is that being in love isn't just how you feel about another person, it's also ab...

Ever see the movie "Coming to America"?  It's one of my favorites.  Eddie Murphy plays Prince Akeem from Africa who comes to Queens, NY to find a bride.  He pretends to be poor and gets a  job in a knock-off McDonalds where he meets Lisa, the owner's daughter, and falls in love.  Lisa falls for him too but when she finds out he's really a prince, she becomes apprehensive. While riding the subway Akeem proposes to Lisa.  She looks around at the passengers for advice and a lady answers, "Go on Honey, take a chance!"  Well that's what I'm faced with, sadly not a proposal from a prince, but a question, do I want to take a chance?  A big chance... Most people in my family like to gamble.  It's on both sides of my family, mom's and dad's, and yet me, ummm...not so much.  Risk taking is not my thing, infact I can count on one hand how many times I've been to a casino and I'm not jonesing to go back anytime soon.  Perhaps it's...

With the atrocities that our world is facing, now more than ever people need to know Jesus.  But so many times we are too busy alienating ourselves from those who need Christ the most.  We get caught up in debates and political forums where defending our beliefs becomes more important than introducing people to Christ.  We want to stand up for the unjust treatment of our fellow believers, and take stands against the lies the world peddles against the word of God, and rightfully so, but on many occasions our approach can cause people to run the other way.  Consequently, leaving a bad taste in the mouths of unbelievers and keeping them far away from our "religion".  They ask us not to wave it in their faces and shove it down their throats. Sisters you and I both know that we don't have religion, we have a relationship.  As Christians we have all fallen in love with Jesus Christ.  Naturally, when you're in love with someone, you want to shout it fro...

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ...So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 Don't you wish life were more like the Staples button?  That was easy...Yes I wish life were easy, but the only button that works that way for me is the one that only certain ...

When I was fourteen, JC Penney's held modeling classes in their corporate offices for young girls like me.    I desperately wanted to be a model.  The fame, the fortune, the clothes, being known for your beauty, traveling the world, it's many girls dreams.  So I signed up right away.  There I sat, a short, very awkward, undeveloped tween with extremely kinky curly hair (my nickname at school was Don King)  and to top it off a rather large Italian nose.  I didn't know how to walk, dress, style my hair or put on makeup, but I figured this is what the class was for; to teach me how to become perfect like a supermodel and then I would land a modeling contract.  Obviously that never happened.   On the contrary, I ended up quitting after the second or third class because I was so embarrassed by the fact that the instructor chose to use me as the example for all lessons on "What not to..." Thankfully I grew out of that awkw...

Honestly this post has been sitting in my list of blogs that I have yet to publish because I haven't been quite sure if I wanted to tell the whole world about this, but frankly after this last "incident" it's time.  I need to get this off my chest but also I need to begin the forgiveness and healing process, so here goes... For the last 13 years we've live on a relatively quite street with fairly decent neighbors, but for the last two years my husband has become the target of one of our neighbor's (whom I believe is a sociopath) misguided anger.  Each time my husband is outside, the neighbor (who must watch for him) comes outside and as my husband passes on the opposite side of the street the neighbor hurls insults and foul language at him.  He always makes sure that no one else is around when he does it and then he taunts him by saying everything he can think of to get  him to come across the street for a physical confrontation. Thank ...

O ur struggle to have a child was not too unlike most infertile couples.  We tried for years without success then turned to a fertility specialist for rigorous testing, prodding, poking and emotional turmoil.  I wanted a child of my own so badly it consumed my thoughts every waking moment and haunted my dreams every single night.  I would cry out to God every day praying for our miracle child.  Finally after 5 rounds of IUI I had had enough.  I was so distraught; after having stimulated my body to produce eight eggs on our last round of IUI and not conceiving - I knew it was time to get off the roller coaster of disappointment.  After a short but emotional discussion my husband and I decided that we would pursue adoption. In Jan of 2005 we went to a seminar at a christian adoption agency and were very dawn to China.  It took us almost 6 months but we compiled all the paperwork for our dossier and submitted it to the Chinese con...

I 'm a Disney fanatic.  I love the Princesses.  So beautiful, gentle, and kind.  Like most girls when I was young my fantasy was that I would grow up to meet my Prince Charming and of course we'd live happily ever after.  What woman doesn't want that?  Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, they were my hero's.  They had done it, they found their Prince.  Disney had me convinced that I would find mine too.  And I'm happy to say that I did meet my Prince Charming.  He was everything I wanted in a mate.  He was kind, loving, considerate.  He cared about my needs and worked hard to fulfill my wants.  He was romantic and of course charming.  And when we married the future was all ours to live happily ever after.  I still have a good marriage to a man I love, but happily ever after?  Not so much. Disney let's get real and make a film about what life is like after marrying the Prince.  Can...