Confession# 82 - The Battle Rages On

I'm in a spiritual war.  I suppose we all are.  Mine began before an age of awareness, pulling me, twisting me until I nearly succumbed.  Actually at times I have allowed this evil force to overtake me and it has cost me so much, but I know in my heart if it we'rent for God I would have been swallowed whole.  In my eyes it is the truest evil there is, it's called Narcissism.  

According to psychologytoday.com "clinical" Narcissism encompasses a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status.  Narcissists usually  have a complete lack of empathy where others are concerned and only pursue their own interests, wants, and desires even at the cost of other's happiness.

Why does this condition plague me so ferociously?  Because it's a personality disorder that runs in my family.  Since I was a child, I've been exposed to it's ugliness.  It was the model of behavior which molded and shaped my personality to the point where I have been plagued by severe insecurity, depression, pride and self-centeredness. 

Not until this past year have I fully come to know and understand about this evil and how it's been around me my whole life.  It's been an eye opening experience to identify several individuals who have caused this to be a continual torture of my soul.  Both the pain they have caused and the hurt I have allowed to manifest in my own personality.  

Honestly for the longest time, I didn't know any better and I thought self-loathing was something everyone struggled with.  I believed that everyone hated themselves to the point where they didn't think they deserved to live.  But ironically at the same time, I believed that I deserved better.   It was this twisted belief system that worked it's way into my heart and convinced me that I was destined for GREATNESS.  

Through my relationship with Jesus, I've learned that my destiny is linked to the Creator.  I've learned that I'm charged to serve the living God.  To deliver the good news of Jesus Christ.  That's what God designed me for and that's now the desire of my heart, to magnify His GREATNESS. But, growing up with people who are narcissists can wreck havoc on your soul and make learning who you are and whose you are a difficult message to receive.  When you're raised  under the spell of narcissism, one minute your so highly confident loved and valued, and the next you believe you don't even deserve to live in dirt let alone receive anyone's love.

Because of this, my entire sense of self is, at times, so incredibly warped.  It's a miracle I was able to accept God's love for me.  I struggle with that truth almost daily.  I wrestle accepting that God loves me absolutely.  He loves me not for what I do, how I serve or what I say, He just loves me period.  He created me and He chose me as His own.  I didn't earn it, I don't deserve it, but He gave His love to me anyway.  "But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8  God loves us.  

This is a very difficult concept to understand when you HATE yourself to the point of complete misery.  The war has raged on in my life over this issue time and time again.  I've had to fight a long and grueling spiritual battle to accept God's love.  I've been in combat with pride too, believing that somehow I deserved a better life and why hadn't that happened to me yet?  I've had to conquer a desire for attention and appreciation rather than to do all things in humility.  

You're probably thinking, "What kind of Christian is this?"  So selfish, so self-deprecating, so haughty?!  I'll tell what kind of Christian I am, I'm an honest one.  Being honest with myself for a start and seeking forgiveness of my sins from my Heavenly Father.  And knowing that I have fought these demons over the years, I cannot afford to forget and congruently let my guard down.  Secondly, being honest with you, my audience.  I will not profess to be someone I am not; perfection I leave to Jesus Christ.  Me, I'm simply the dirty Christian woman, broken, fallible, sinful and so incredibly thankful for God's love and forgiveness.  

"Therefore I tell you, because her many sins have been forgiven, she has loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."  Luke 7:47  I tell you this because I love you.  I reveal my truth to you not for my own sake, but for the sake of you who struggle with these demons too.  Narcissism is rampant these days.  The Bible says in 2 Timothy 3: 1-5, "But understand this: In the last days terrible times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, without love of good, traitorous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. Turn away from such as these!"  It's easy to be deceived.  It's easy to go astray.  It's easy to get caught up in this world and it's self-seeking theology.  As I mentioned, I still fight this battle daily and I've been saved for 24 years.  

Listen to God my Christian friends, HE LOVES YOU!  HE FORGIVES YOU!  No, you're not worthy.  No, you don't deserve it and you'll never earn it.  No, you may not get the recognition and appreciation you think you're entitled to.  But God does have a plan for your life, a plan to use you to help others.  To rescue the hurting, to snatch others from the fire of hell.  Listen to God's word, "But you, beloved, remember what was foretold by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ when they said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow after their own ungodly desires.  These are the ones who cause divisions, who are worldly and devoid of the Spirit.  But you, beloved, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God as you await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you eternal life.  And indeed, have mercy on those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; and to still others show mercy tempered with fear, hating even the clothing stained by the flesh."  Jude 1:17-23.  It's our job to show God's love, mercy and his plan for salvation to the lost world.  

Fight the evil demon of Narcissism and Pride.  Fight like you've never fought before.  We are in the age of "selfies" and desperation for "likes"; we use social media to promote our lives to our friends and family.  With this being "the norm" of today it's so easy to slip into a self-seeking entitlement frame of mind.  It can swallow us whole if we let it, I've been guilty of it too.  Remember to love God and love others.  Love is defined as this: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Do everything in love",  1 Corinthians 16:14  

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the reminder everyday to fight my battles against narcissism.  Thank you for saving me and giving me the opportunity to serve you my GREAT and GLORIOUS GOD.  I pray for my sisters and brothers in Christ who battle these demons too.  Give them strength, give them endurance, give them humility and grace sufficient to win the war.  Remind them how much they are loved and valued by you and how it's not about them, it's about HIM. I pray blessings upon all my readers.  In Jesus' precious name I pray.  AMEN.