Confessions of this Gal's Sinful Heart

S eems these days the Proverbs 31 Woman is a very popular topic among us ladies.  This woman stirs up more controversy than Nancy Pelosi and Anna Nicole Smith did put together.  Some Christian ladies despise her.  To them she stands as a reminder of what they may never be.  To some they look up to her as a standard of living to master and others are somewhere in the middle.  Being the cracked pot that I am, I have really struggled with Mrs. 31 (as I like to call her).  For those of you who may be unfamiliar the bible tells us that she is: A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good; not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her fem...

In a previous post - Confession #8 to be exact - I mentioned that I'm a huge Disney fan.  I couldn't possibly pick a favorite movie, but I happen to be quite fond of Cars.  My favorite, like so many of us is Tow-Mater.  It's not his charm and humor that resonate with me but it's the fact that Mater loves all of his dents and flaws.  Each one holds an important memory to him.  He is proud of them.  Oh how I would love to embrace all my flaws and be happy to have them; every last wobbly-bit of my flawed body, heart, and soul.  Not too long ago a friend of mine who has been encouraging me to eat healthier, said something to me about loosing weight that put my self esteem out of whack.  It actually depressed me.  So I had this long conversation with God about it and then I opened my bible with the intention of thumbing through it until I found where I felt God was leading me, but the very page I landed on this verse was highlighted....

O ur struggle to have a child was not too unlike most infertile couples.  We tried for years without success then turned to a fertility specialist for rigorous testing, prodding, poking and emotional turmoil.  I wanted a child of my own so badly it consumed my thoughts every waking moment and haunted my dreams every single night.  I would cry out to God every day praying for our miracle child.  Finally after 5 rounds of IUI I had had enough.  I was so distraught; after having stimulated my body to produce eight eggs on our last round of IUI and not conceiving - I knew it was time to get off the roller coaster of disappointment.  After a short but emotional discussion my husband and I decided that we would pursue adoption. In Jan of 2005 we went to a seminar at a christian adoption agency and were very dawn to China.  It took us almost 6 months but we compiled all the paperwork for our dossier and submitted it to the Chinese con...

G ood girlfriends are the best and sometimes hard to find!  But when you do, they are priceless.  These are the gals ya' call up and cry, "Girl I've gotta vent!".  They're the ladies that you meet at Starbucks once a week for a chat, the ladies who's kids you set up play dates with so you can have a date with them too.  They're sometimes even the girl that lives far away that you can't go a week without a phone call to.  I love my girlfriends, and frankly I wouldn't want to do life without them.  But what do you do when a friend, a good friend hurts you over and over again?  Let me preface the rest of my confession by explaining that I don't consider myself a hypersensitive person.  Things do not easily bother me, but hurting people, hurt people and since most of us have hurts in our pasts then well, you know... See, I've had issues with friends in my past; ladies that frankly aren't my friends any longer.  Why?  Becau...

I t's that wonderful time again.  The time when everything anyone says me rubs me the wrong way.  You know what I'm talking about.  Sometimes even a simple hello can come across the wrong way.  (To add insult to injury I'm out of chocolate too!) Of course there's no one to blame, it's just a case of Stinkin' Thinkin'.  As Christians it's a major faux pas to carry around this kind of disease, but after all we are sinful humans and well it comes with the territory of our fallen world.  In my short time as a Bible teacher, I've spoke on this topic twice, and I can tell you the steps to take to get rid of it.  But if you don't keep them up, you're bound to have a relapse.  I've been missing some of the steps in my daily routine so before I sat down to write this evening I took a bath in the Word. One of the verses that I read is 1 Peter 4:11 "If anyone speaks he should do it as one speaking the very words of God."   But...

I 'm a Disney fanatic.  I love the Princesses.  So beautiful, gentle, and kind.  Like most girls when I was young my fantasy was that I would grow up to meet my Prince Charming and of course we'd live happily ever after.  What woman doesn't want that?  Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, they were my hero's.  They had done it, they found their Prince.  Disney had me convinced that I would find mine too.  And I'm happy to say that I did meet my Prince Charming.  He was everything I wanted in a mate.  He was kind, loving, considerate.  He cared about my needs and worked hard to fulfill my wants.  He was romantic and of course charming.  And when we married the future was all ours to live happily ever after.  I still have a good marriage to a man I love, but happily ever after?  Not so much. Disney let's get real and make a film about what life is like after marrying the Prince.  Can...

A s the saying goes, "Forgive and Forget"  That's what God does with our sin right?  The bible says, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." Isa 43:25   The Lord is forgiving of our sins as we are to be forgiving of others.  But does that mean that we should not remember it any longer?  I can tell you that I have struggled with this.  Tossed and turned many nights over it.  Like everyone, I've had some difficult people in my life and difficult situations to forgive.  And I can say that God has worked forgiveness in my heart toward those who have wronged me, but the pain I have not forgotten.  My conclusion is, that the Lord wants me to remember.  The memory of pain reminds me to forgive.  For example when a parent instructs their child to stay away from a lit candle, but the child ignores the instruction and touches the flame anyway. The pain reminds the child not ...

I f I had to describe my high school experience in three words I would say that it was: Confusing - trying to figure out who I was and where I was going without God in my life. Depressing - Realizing that I couldn't be everything everyone else expected me to be. Alone - Lot's of acquaintances but no true friends.  My Before  Here's a picture of me from my sophomore year.  When I asked my husband what he saw in my picture his reply was an attractive and confident girl.  I may have had people fooled because of course I knew what was going on inside my heart that most people couldn't see.  I call this picture my "before".  I not only looked different but I was completely different.  When I see this picture I see a scared, shy, and lonely girl who lacked the knowledge of God.  She spent her days trying to people please and getting pretty much nowhere.  By my senior year, I was failing many of my subjects, I had to forfeit my p...

 W hile on our honeymoon my husband and I went horseback riding.  Since that was about the 2nd time in my life that I had been on a horse, and since I'm a chunky girl, I wasn't too sure about this experience.  I'm am not necessarily an adventurous person by nature, normally I live vicariously through my more adventurous friends and family.  For example roller coasters are not my thing; the thought of dropping so that I can't feel the bottom of my stomach is not a fun one!  I suppose it's because I'm a control freak.  We'll get to that in another confession, but for now it's back to our regularly scheduled program - I hate surprises.   As I was saying...I was not happy about getting on a horse.  All the other people got their horses before me; it seemed the guide had a special horse picked just for me.  The guide said in a strong cowboy accent, "Ma'am your horse is named Surprise."  Surprise?  I thought, "W...

T he Lenny Kravitz song I want to Get Away is repeating over and over in my head - Wish that I could fly Into the sky So very high Just like a dragonfly I'd fly above the trees Over the seas in all degrees To anywhere I please Oh I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah yeah yeah As you can probably guess, I've had a stressful day.  My six year old has been extremely challenging and lately my relationship with my husband has been less than stellar.  It's days like this that I find myself trying to escape the pressures of home by filling my schedule full of obligations, yes I'll meet you for coffee, okay I'll help with that project, yes I'll come to the event, party etc...  I already teach a bible study one night a week, but the remainder of my nights and sometimes my weekends, I fill with other obligations.  I guess I'm hoping it's just until my headache is gone, my heart is right and the problem goes away.  Shameful isn't it?  I wou...

"To be or not to be Humble" - aka "You Got Served" R ecently I have been struggling with this issue of being humble enough to let others serve me.  Okay, I'll just say it, I don't know how to be served.  I can't seem to ever let anyone  do  anything for me.  I want to control it all, and although I'm ashamed to admit this, sometimes by taking it all on, I can play the martyr role.  But today this issue is weighing heavily on my heart - probably because I had a blowout on the highway yesterday and had to ask a friend for help to change the tire.  So how do I let others serve me without this intense feeling of obligation for repayment?  Now that doesn't necessarily include family in my book because I was raised with the value that you do for family no matter what.  But I was also raised with the ideology that you never bring someones plate back empty.  Consequently I don't return people's plates too...

 Angela and I at my Bridal Shower  A lthough, technically I was saved when I was about 5 or 6 years old, I didn't really start walking with the Lord until 1996.  It was the day after Christmas and I was having lunch with a friend mine, Angela, when she presented the gospel to me with God's plan of salvation.   I was concerned how this decision would effect my relationship with my husband and the rest of my family and so I politely declined the invitation.  Thankfully, she didn't not take no for an answer.  As a not-so-religious Catholic with an Aunt who was a born again Christian, whom my family labeled a "Jesus Freak" and "Bible fanatic" I was afraid, that if I accepted Christ it would hurt my marriage and my relationship with my family.  My husband and I were still newlyweds and he didn't seem interested in anything that had to do with God.  Of course I had nothing to fear, God is soooo good, a year la...